Digging

Alright, Monkey Boy, you want deeper? Well, let's see. I'm not very good at it but let's see. You're not going to get huge life lessons here but I guess I learned a few things about myself in the course of these two months (10 weeks...whathaveyou...) so let's see if I can figure those out...

The break was, in the end, a good thing for me. Despite going through some personal issues (which, again, have no place here) the time away from the city was a good thing. For one, it made me appreciate Chicago even more than I already had...which was considerable. My few weekends back were automatically made better just by the fact that I was back home and sleeping in my own bed and able to walk wherever I wanted or needed to go and, mostly, greeted with great weather and people and things to do. Places have a very distinct "feel" to them and, for me, Chicago feels like home.

Which makes me think that it will be quite a while before I take another job such as this one has been. It's fun to see other places and meet other people (God knows I'd never have met a few very cool people among the Mid-Lifers had I not been here) but that's what vacations are for. The acting community in Chicago is, in my opinion, the best and I want to work there. Sure, it's for little or no money but this adventure has proven to me that I do this mostly for the love of the experiences and the opportunities to work with so many amazing people who most of you (out there sitting silently in this strange thing called the Webosphere...or Bloggernet...or E-world...or whatever) will never ever know but who are incredible talents. Every once in a while I'm reminded that the best actors in the world are not the Jack Nicholsons or the Tom Cruises or the Julia Roberts that we're all force-fed but the people who work like crazy in small off-Loop theaters and being the best part of four or 5 shows a year or tour from one small theater musical to another, going all around the country searching for their next couple months of work and never having a real hometown.

I return to Chicago (in 2 days' time...which kind of blows my mind a little) with a huge renewed sense of needing to push myself to do this better. Not necessarily act better (although that couldn't hurt, I'm sure) but to work the business aspect of things better. To glad-hand, to schmooze, to say and do all the right things for all the right people. I need to get out there and just generally do better. I need to not be satisfied, in this next stage, until I'm positive that every important casting director knows who I am and can pick me out of a line-up (if needs be). I need to ensure that everyone gets at least two looks at my headshot in this final half of the calendar year. I need to work with the agency I'm signed with and figure out what I can do to book those jobs and be more marketable and then do those things. I have to dive into this head first and get myself figured out. Stop floundering and just do it. I've resolved to do this type of thing before and it's been a real kick in the ass but I need to keep up with it. Really do it.

And...finally (for now, anyway)...I know once again that there is nothing else I'd rather do than do what I love for a living. It's an unbelievably good feeling to know that you're making bills and able to survive doing only what you love to do and know, deep down where it's so hidden that you don't accidentally talk about it at parties, that you're good at. And I'm beginning to honestly believe that I'm good at this and need to continue on. Because...honestly...what the hell else am I going to do? And every time I begin to wonder to myself whether I need to move on or not, something amazing happens and it looks like something big might just be out there on the horizon and so I'm urged to stick with it and see what that "something" out there might be. Usually it's nothing, though. And I begin to wonder a little more all over again and then I look out and something is again making me fight forward for a little while longer.

It's what is keeping me going...that mirage out there in the distance. But I have to believe that some day it's not going to be a mirage. It's going to be real. And huge. And wonderful. And all of this floundering and wondering is going to make the arrival at that destination really great. Until then, I guess I just live experience-to-experience and try to do something to move forward every day.

This ain't over yet...