Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody...

Yup...feelin' sorry for myself today.

It's my usual state of affairs when I get to this point in the year. As another year stares me in the face I begin to wonder just what the hell I'm doing with my life. With every aspect of life, sure, though more specifically to this blog, with this wacky-ass "career" I've chosen. Am I as far as I feel like I should be? Or could be? What is my goal here? And how can I achieve that goal? What is the next step? Where have I gone wrong?

The list of questions goes on and on.

So if the "end goal" is the question then so far as I can tell, it's still the same thing that it's always been: to make a living...somehow...doing what I love to do. Every once in a while I'm able to do that for a month or two. But how do I break through to something full-time? I try and I try and I audition like a mad person and...I dunno. I'm really no closer now than I was 10 years ago. In fact, in some respects, I'm further away. At least 10 years ago I could say that I was honestly making my living acting. Paying all bills through the wonder of somebody wanting to put my fat ass on stage in front of people. But now? I get a 10 month gig in Turkeyville through nothing more than the fact that I'm a nice guy to hang out with backstage (and, let's be fair, that is a HUGE part of why SP offered up my name for this job).

Anyway, so without Internet access for the better part of the last 2 days (major storms + living on the edge of nowhere = last to get service back) I've had a lot of time to sort of contemplate these issues (as well as more personal ones) as I move not-so-gracefully into another year of life. Combine the questions with the fact that I have come dangerously close to being somebody that I hate (a complaining diva...which I'll get to in a minute) and stuck in a place that I'm no longer really enjoying all that much and you get a depressed little Tucker. Oh...and the lousy weather doesn't help. I just wish I had as many answers as I do questions. Naw...scratch that...I just wish I had a FRACTION of answers as I do questions. That would be a nice start.

So the weather here has been awful lately. It's been raining and gloomy almost non-stop for the past 4 days or so and, as I mentioned, we've had crazy-bad storms the past 2 days. Not only that...but it's hot. Upwards of 90 degrees and quite humid. It's making it tough to sleep (or do anything, really) in anything resembling comfort. And the fine folks at Turkeyville are not helping. In their wisdom, they have opted not to keep the air conditioning on during a comedy performance. It's no wonder we're not getting laughs like we used to. And...for what it's worth...I'm not gonna last too long if there isn't any kind of heat relief. See...I'm not what anyone would consider a small guy. As discussed here in this space, I'm not huge. But I'm not small. I also wear a wool jacket in this show. With a tie. In a space that until about 20 minutes before curtain has burners going in an effort to keep the buffet table going. With 35 (estimated) theatrical lights burning anywhere from 3 to 10 feet away from my head. And I'm spending the majority of the show running around the stage like a headless chicken. For an hour straight before I get to leave for intermission.

There's a lot of math there to add up but what it comes out to is that I am ending up nearly passing out at the 3/4 mark of the first act the last few shows. I'm dripping in sweat and it's effecting just about everything. I'm off, some of the others are off, and the audience HAS to be wildly distracted by the fact that that guy up there is mopping his brow profusely and just might pass out or slip into heat stroke before they get to have their dessert.

So come intermission, I am angry enough to have choice words for the director/producer (DM) but smart enough to know that doing that will get me absolutely nowhere. So I go outside, into the 90 degree heat, to cool down (in more ways than one) and try to figure out new ways to not be such a big sweaty mess all the damn time. But it's fairly obvious to all that I'm not happy and so some patchwork solutions are suggested but the fact still remains...not much is gonna help me if the owners of the place flatly refuse to turn on the air conditioning. Even a little. Either that or a costume change is made...which won't happen.

Anyway...I haven't begun a "how much hotter can it possibly get out there" conversation in a long time but the topic is almost always brought up because...well...I'm soaked through to the bone and pale as a ghost. It's the elephant in the room. And I mean that in many derogatory ways. And once the topic is out there, I start feeling like I'm doing nothing but complaining about everything. It makes me mad. But what can I do?

I'm totally rambling now. Sorry. I've got a few minutes to myself here while everyone else is either out at rehearsal or getting their oil changed and now that the Internet access is back I thought I would try to get some of these thoughts down. Maybe they won't keep me up at night or wake me up early in the morning any more if I successfully purge them into the wonder and glory of the Internet.

Or...you know...something.