Thinkin' and wonderin' what I'm gonna do

Accomplished today: Woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep, worked the show, grocery shopped, talk to my mom

So the title of today's post is from a song by King's X, one of my favorite bands. (I encourage you to look them up and listen to an album or two...it's some good stuff.) But, more than being a good song, it's also exactly what I've been doing today...mostly early this morning when I woke up stoopid early and now, sitting around after a day of rehearsals with not much to do. I knew I would most likely come out of this trip with some insight into what I want and don't want out of life, but I didn't think I'd end my first week here with anything. What I think I'm looking for right now is some sort of permanence. My "career" is not what anyone would call solid so what does permanence mean for me? Well, I would love to try and buy a place in Chicago, since I love the city and really don't see myself moving away anytime soon. That's really about the only option I have at this point. I don't have any romantic permanence in my life, so I think the housing thing is probably my best bet right now.

Well, it's not the cure for the common cold or coming up with the telephone, but it's about all I have in the way of revelations for now. Stick with me, though...I'm sure more will be coming.

As for the show, things are going fairly well. We're in that awkward time of rehearsals where we want to be off-book, but we're just not at that point yet so it's all just frustrating as hell. But we're fighting our way through and coming up with some good things. Blocking is VERY sloppy, which is frustrating for me also, but...again, it's part of the process and I have to hope that all will end up coming together to performance level soon.

I woke up this morning (stoopid early at about 5AM) with the feeling like I'm coming down with some sort of cold. Brilliant! I'm just getting my full voice back and now I get to fight off a cold. So I'm doing what I can to get rid of it but it's tough. This musty old house after two days of rain and a little snow and in the cold...yeah, I guess I should be surprised that I've made it this far without coming down with something. It's still maddening, though.

So on top of the already-frustrating process of trying to get slowly off-book and remember all the wacky blocking (remember...it's a farce so people are all over the place all the time) I'm dealing with an impending cold AND the general feelings of insecurity and lack of permanence in my life that I get to work through all the time...it's been an awesome day!

(---sigh---)

I spent a good amount of time on the phone with my mother and I realized that I am part of a family that tends to let things happen to them instead of taking control of whatever situation we find ourselves in. As she put it, we're reactive instead of proactive. We follow as opposed to leading. It's a frustrating way to live your life but it's also so hard to pull yourself out of the pattern you've always set for yourself. I'm willing to try and take some more control over the events of my life. Go out and get what I want...or at least go after what I want. It's better than sitting around and hoping that what I want just magically comes to me. I've got to be better about that kind of stuff.

Of course, I come to this conclusion when there isn't much I can do about it. But once I return to Chicago...watch out, everyone! I'm going for what I want and I refuse to let anything stop me. Especially my own insecurities. Those have to go. I guess I should stop thinking and wondering and start acting and doing. Sorry, King's X.

It's still a kick-ass song, though.