Mischief Night

Today is Halloween. That means that last night was what we used to call Mischief Night when I was growing up. The idea was to pull pranks of various kinds. TP the yard, egg a few cars, cover the windows of cars with shaving cream...that kinda thing. It always was meant to be done in good fun, though sometimes things got a bit carried away and kids would get into some serious trouble or property would get some damage. But like I said...nothing too terrible.

Last night was the oddest Mischief Night ever.

I decided sorta late (10PM or so) that I was deathly bored just watching TV at the Delta House so I drove the 2 or 3 miles to this place that Jonathan and Heidi had discovered after I left Battle Creek in June. A nice little divey bar that I probably shouldn't name. (If you're coming to the area and would like to check it out, give me a call or something and I'll tell you what it's called.) So I sit at the bar and right away there were all kinds of characters. A loud table right by the door. A VERY drunk married girl trying to sign her credit card receipt. A dirty drunk guy who was trying to hit on the receipt-signing girl. I texted Heidi that I was there and she got excited for me. She asked if there was a crossing guard there and I told her that there wasn't but then as soon as I sent that, lo and behold...in walks a guy in a reflective vest. A crossing guard!!! Amazing.

So I have 3 beers over the next 2 hours and I start to feel like I have had enough. But right next to me has wobbled the loudest drunk guy at the loud drunk table by the door. He's sucking down his final drink and waving off people who are asking him if he's driving himself or not. He can barely walk as he heads out the back door to the parking lot but as concerned as everyone seemed just a few minutes ago, now nobody is even looking at him. I ask the bartender if he's OK and if he should be driving. She sort of shrugs.

So I say out loud that maybe I'll go check on him and make sure he doesn't drive. The people at the bar say generic nice things and I'm off to chase down the drunk guy (did I mention that he is a BIG mean-looking drunk guy who almost got into a fight just an hour earlier? 'Cause that should enter into the big mental picture.) for some unknown reason.

He's at his car, trying to get in. Yup...TRYING to get in. So I get to the car and talk to him. "You alright?" "Where are you going?" "Why not let me drive you home?" He keeps saying no. He's good. I tell him (he calls himself "Bill" at first but then after asking if I'm a cop and me telling him that I'm not, he tells me that his name is "Tommy") that he can barely walk and was having trouble sitting in the car seat and maybe it would be the best thing for everyone if I drive him home and then he can come back and get it in the morning. After a while...10 minutes or so...he finally starts to get upset with me and slowly drives off. It knocks me back a little at first but after I've cleared the car and wheels and stuff he drives faster. "Fine," I think. I did my best. So I get into the car DM has let me borrow and start to head home.

But there he is, at the intersection. He's turning the same way that I happen to be turning. Aaaaaaand, he's weaving. Not nearly as much as I would have expected from somebody who was finding it tough to walk, but there is a weave. So I drop back a little bit so as not to be a part of his accident and, when a little down the road he turns...for some reason I decide to turn as well. I just didn't want this dude to get into an accident. I meant only the best. Y'all have to believe this.

So another turn and now I'm thinking I should be turning around. I'm getting to an area of town that I don't know and I don't want to get too far away from a road that I'm familiar with. But I see him turning into a driveway. "Great," I think, "I've done my really good (yet slightly odd) deed for the year. Yeah, me!". And I start to turn around to head back to the Delta House. But as I look back in the direction of the driveway that "Tommy" has turned into, I see that he's backing up and yelling out the window at me. He squares his large SUV-looking thing in my direction and starts coming at me pretty fast. I panic like crazy. Is he going to come after me for following him? Is he upset that a total stranger didn't trust him behind the wheel of his car? I don't know. The fight he almost got into earlier at the bar was about some guy standing too close to him. So I didn't want to stick around to find out.

I'm in the process of backing up at this point and I get so distracted by this drunk dude coming at me in his car that I hit something. A parked car. I wasn't going very fast or anything, but I bumped it pretty well. Scenarios whizzed through my head but I couldn't think about anything other than "GO!!!!" So I drove off. I started to head back to the Delta House when I noticed that now "Tommy" was following me! And pretty closely, too. Honking. Flashing his lights. And, of course, weaving. Now I'm getting scared. He's still following me when I come up on the Delta House so I keep driving. A ways down the road he decides to try and pass me. So when he's on the other side of the street and just a little ahead of me, I slow down and pull into a driveway to turn around. He pulls up behind me and yells out the window a lot of phrases and names that I shouldn't repeat here but also that he's called the police on me. I yelled out that "is this what I get for trying to help somebody out?" and he calls me a few names and is off.

I turn around and head back home. But he's following me again. I manage to get a bit ahead of him and turn into a sideroad and immediately into a church parking lot. I threw the car into Park and turned off my lights. "Tommy" goes flying by on the road. I wait a second, and get back onto the road and I'm quickly in the driveway at the Delta House.

So now...I have no idea what to do. DM and his family have gone through a lot of problems in the past few months and the last thing they need is some more trouble with a police report. And while I'm almost 100% certain that nothing on the other car was damaged at all, I am frightened to go back for fear that the guy might randomly be there while I check to make sure everything is alright. Naturally, I'll be telling DM all about this later tonight after the show. And I'll, of course, offer to pay for the tail-light that got broken. I have to believe that "Tommy" didn't really call the police. I mean, he was really drunk and that would have not been a very smart thing for a drunk guy to do...call the police while driving drunk. But I'm all kinds of nervous now. I don't want to get into trouble and I certainly don't want to cause more trouble for DM.

But I meant to try and do a good thing. This was all about me watching out for some stranger who obviously needed some help when nobody else cared. And all of this is my reward? I don't get it. THIS is how the world thanks me for trying to be the nice guy? I just hope that I can get DM's car fixed relatively cheaply and be done with this whole episode.

Maybe I'm just better off only looking out for myself from now on. I'll have to look out only for Number One for a while. Because, in all honesty, I feel like I've earned that right after last night.