Validation

So SP and I drove into Chicago late last night and we're both frantically trying to get everything done that we want to accomplish. It's a busy couple of days. I have a lot of basic housekeeping to do...this trip is not very social, unfortunately. I saw a couple of friends this afternoon in a production of "MacBeth" that was really quite good with some VERY interesting choices made (in a good way!). Congrats to all of them.

Last night I dropped my stuff up in the apartment when we got in and ran up to Champions to see a couple of actor friends. A good couple of guys and it's always a lot of fun hanging out with 'em. Last night we had, however, the most serious discussion I think the three of us had ever had together. My one friend...we'll call him "The Devil"...was in a production last year that got great reviews all around. He, especially, was singled out quite a bit as the male lead and given lots of kudos from various sources. Well, the Jeff Award (the Chicago theatrical community's attempt at self-congratulations...the second city's Tony Awards, I guess) nominations came out a few weeks ago and the production he was in was nominated for all kinds of different categories. I guess most aspects of the production garnered inclusion in the love except he was not given a nod for Lead Actor.

He told us, in his slightly drunken state, that he was rather upset about the "snub" (my word, not his). But didn't exactly understand WHY he cared so much. He doesn't do this, he says, for recognition but just for the pure love of doing it. But when he sees those around him getting praise and yet he's left out, it upsets him. So it got us talking about validation for what we do.

WARNING: No huge revelations here. So don't expect any.

I tried to be a good friend and told him that, although it sucks, there are always good people who get lost in the shuffle somehow and he shouldn't take it personally or question whether or not he's decent at what he does (I happen to think he's extraordinarily talented) and that this kind of error in judgement happens with every award, especially something as hard-to-judge as acting. For every Judi Dench win as Best Supporting Actress, there's a Marisa Tomei win as Best Supporting Actress. Or a Kim Basinger. Or Mira Sorvino. If I really thought about it, I'm sure the list would go on and on.

Same with the Jeffs. For every "Millie H-S", there's a "Liz F" (names withheld mostly because I don't want to hear from Liz when she googles herself and finds her name here). There's no accounting for the tastes of the voting group. Besides, for all we know, "The Devil" might have been the 6th best Non-Equity Lead Actor in the city this past year and just didn't make the final cut of 5 nominees. And that ain't too bad. He should maybe look at it that way.

Though I would probably focus on the negative, too.

But the question remains...why DO I do this? I know I love it. I've always found the process of auditions/casting/rehearsals/tech/production/strike/aftermath a fascinating one. But, if I'm going to be honest, there is definitely a good-sized part of me that likes to get the attention that naturally seems to go with it. I know I've said in this space that I hate the "thanks for coming" line at the exit after each show, but there is part of me that rather enjoys having people come up to me and tell me how great they thought I was. I like it. I admit it. My good friends...the people whose opinions I respect when it comes to acting...I want to give me real and honest critique as opposed to the generic "it was great" sort of review. And when those people tell me that I did well, I'm ecstatic! But if I'm never going to see an audience member again, I'll take a compliment every time. It makes me feel good.

At the end of most shows of "Don't Dress For Dinner", as we individually bow (which is a practice not really embraced by the Chicago community...we almost always do ensemble bows) there is a real and noticeable spike in applause when I step up. For a while I was even getting a "woo", which is becoming a running joke between myself and HM. Last night, I got several "hooray"s when I took my bow. I don't say this because I'm trying to brag (although, if I'm still being honest, maybe I'm bragging a little), I'm just saying it because it's the truth and as embarrassed as I am to admit this...I LOVE IT! I love thinking that some people...even just one or two at a time...consider me to be the best part of the show. And think so strongly about that opinion that they feel the need to vocalize it as I step down to bow. That's awesome! And as much as I play it off to the rest of the cast, inside I'm beaming with pride. Call me egotistical if you want, but it's a great feeling...even if it only really lasts a few minutes.

Not sure yet how Battle Creek success can be translated to Chicago success. That may take me a while to figure out. But I'm willing to take baby steps for now. And I'm willing to take the positive reinforcement where I can get it at this point. This "business" is so geared towards knocking you down repeatedly that I have to learn to take the rare boost up wherever and whenever I can find it.

So...I guess, after this over-caffeinated rambling stream of consciousness kind of discussion with myself, the kind of validation that I look for and really desire right now is just the kind of immediate validation that one gets from an appreciative audience digging on what you've done for the previous two hours or so. I don't expect being singled out in a positive review. Or even being one of the few bright spots in a bad review (which has never happened to me). I've been happy seemingly flying under the radar for years, being neither good enough or bad enough to warrant specific inclusion in a printed review. Maybe that is why I love the Tucker Guarantee where I'll go out and have a few drinks with whoever comes to see whatever show I'm in. And I love when a theater urges its patrons to go to a certain bar after the show, knowing full well the actors will go there as well and be open and responsive to whatever praise (or beverage) the audience wants to heap upon us.

For now, I don't expect or look for awards. Or even nominations. Or the singling out of the job I've done in a positive review. I just like the vocal reactions from a house when I do something on stage (laughs are addictive, I tell ya). I like the instant gratification of the audience's response. And knowing in my heart that I've done a good job and feeling positive about the choices I've made...both within the confines of the show and on a grander sort of scale.

I may feel differently, however, if "The Time Of Your Life" collects nominations for every category except the one I would most likely be eligible for. Then I'll join "The Devil" at Champions and complain about how I get no validation for what I do.

Funny how quickly my mood and opinion can change on some topics...